I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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