You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
