Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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