Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
