the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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