Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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