Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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