Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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