He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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