I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
