I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We're too hungover to prance.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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