There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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