i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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