I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
