i already hear my dad disowning me
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
