Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
