After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
