i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
