Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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