Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
