I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
