I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
