I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
