do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
