I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
