You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
