I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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