he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.