i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
