It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
