he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
