I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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