The police scanner is talking about you again....
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
