I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
