Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
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Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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