Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
