I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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