I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
smell my finger.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
