Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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