I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
