Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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