I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
