I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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