My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
