Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
