I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
