There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
