If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
