cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
