he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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