did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
