i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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