i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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