I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh god it's open bar.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
