Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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