Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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